confessions from the ramblings of a follower

WARNING… THIS IS LONG AND VERY REAL. IF YOU STILL WANT TO SEE ME AS A PERFECT PERSON, THEN DON’T READ THIS. THIS A CONFESSION AND A PRAYER.

Lately I have been really taking a look at my life and I feel the Lord has been revealing certain things about me that are some issues that need to be confessed and dealt with. I believe there is healing and freedom in confession.

Early on in my life I wasn’t happy with myself. I wasn’t happy with school and I never felt like I fit in. Towards the beginning of high school I moved to another school and I started to get involved more in church and doing ministry activities. I began to realize that I would get recognized for the works that I did in church and I began to find my identity in ministry. Ever since then I have been fascinated with ministry and I have found validation and recognition for the work I do. I have realized that this is a down fall for me. Ministry became my God for me. It began to get in the way of a real genuine relationship with the father. Over the past year since I have been away from the church I have been trying to allow my relationship grow in Christ without ministry being the push. I am trying to find my identity in Christ not ministry. The ministry left me empty, but Christ fills me.

Another thing I learned early in life was how to escape from reality. I’ve spent a good part of my life escaping from reality, especially when life is hard. You can see this in different areas of my life, whether that be; finishing college, continuing in a job that is unfulfilling, being responsible for certain areas in my life. The reality can be something big or it can be something small. I will do everything in my powers to find ways to escape from the thoughts of reality. Fear overcomes me and I want to escape from it. Most recently it has been college. I have spent most of my time focusing on what Seminary I want to go to, but the reality is, if I don’t focus on finally finishing school, I will never go to seminary. It’s like I have been stuck for 7 years in thinking about seminary and still haven’t finished college. I have a habit of escaping reality and not finishing. I am in the process of facing this fear and I constantly reminding myself to focus on the now and just focus on finishing school.

I also have come to the realization that I can be co-dependent at times. I feed off of the need to be with around a lot of people. I have always have judged myself or felt confident about myself by the people that I would hang around. I always wanted to be around popular people or be seen with popular people. Even today I sometimes feel the need to constantly be around a lot of people or constantly doing something where people are involved. For example: I like to eat at places where there are a lot of people, or people I know. A lot of times I want to choose places that are popular for that very reason. I have the need to be around people and being validated by these people.

Another thing that God has revealed to me is that I commit idolatry on a regular basses. If you know me, I can get caught up in books and the next best thing in ministry. I idolize these pastors and there idea’s and worship them as they are God, and that they are the way to true redemption. I craft my theology and ideas around them. My wife has helped me with this and she is constantly telling for me to seek Christ and asking him to reveal himself to me and his ways. This kind of goes back to the co-dependency but I really look up to these people and put them better than me, which leads me to feeling like a failure and empty.
I am feel like a lot of these issues that I struggle with come from how I feel about myself and the lack of confidence in who I am. I am always looking for the next biggest thing or biggest revelation that will change everything that will make my life feel complete, but they never come. I am seeking for something that I realize I already have. Like I said earlier I like to escape from the hardest things in life. I know that all I need to do is to seek Christ who is in me and surrender my will to him, but I am always taking the easier more traveled road.

I wrote this letter out of confession, and I end it with a prayer. My prayer in this letter is to know Christ and to take the less traveled road. To take the hard journey in to the realization of whom I am without him and understanding who he created me to be. Pray for me as I take this journey. Pray that I take the hard look at my life and allow the light of Christ and his redeeming love to enter into my life and bring wholeness to who I am. Pray that I become strengthen in the realization of who He is and what he has called me to do. Pray that I seek him and nothing else. Pray that I can be content solely in him, and not need a person, book or new idea to give me identity. Pray that I become truly his….

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “confessions from the ramblings of a follower

  1. Jes

    Wow. . .
    You penned truth in its most raw and sincere form.
    The truth will set you free, my friend, and even greater still- it will set God free to do a new work in you! I anxiously await all that will assuredly surface amid your wrestling and exposure.
    Continue to open. . . it is power.

  2. Eric

    Ben,

    I admire you and am thankful for your blunt honesty.
    I am also glad that I got to be your roomy for a year!
    Thinking about you often.

  3. Becky

    Ben,

    I wish I could tell you that there comes a point where you have perfect clarity – that you see all the God would have you do. Unfortunately, your prayer is also my prayer and I will pray it with you. I am (again) seeking direction, looking for meaning, trying to find THE thing that God has for me. I think some get that. I have not – only moments of direction and continual struggle to have confidence in His guidance. What I have found is that there is truly joy in this journey when I let that confidence wash over me.

    Here’s to the journey. Sometimes the journey itself is the destination.

    With love….

  4. Jes

    “When humility delivers a man from attachment from his own works and his own reputation, he discovers that perfect joy is possible only when we have completely forgotten ourselves. And it is only when we pay no more attention to our own deeds and our own reputation and our own excellence that we are at last completely free to serve God in perfection for his own sake alone. A man who is not stripped and poor and naked within his own soul will unconsciously tend to do the works he has to do for his own sake rather than for the glory of God.” – Thomas Merton

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